36 things i’m still learning at 36

18 Dec

I’m turning 36 soon, and wanted to write about it. But everyone writes about lessons learned. A couple of years ago, i decided to write about things i’m still learning. I know it doesn’t feel as aspirational, but in my world it kinda does. Because what we should aspire to is to keep learning, instead of just professing the things we say we have learned.

This shouldn’t feel like an excuse to put myself down, but as an act of self compassion. By saying i’m still learning, i’m also reminding myself “it’s ok”. Our culture glorifies answers, so here are some helpful doubts.

I’m still learning to forgive. I hold grudges like a motherfucker. I still remember famous industry people being dicks to friends of mine, and to this day this taints how i see their contribution.
I’m still learning self-control. I have good discipline around work, but terrible discipline around health, especially food. Snacking is how i cope with stress, and i haven’t solved it yet.
I’m still learning boundaries. Not personally, but professionally. This has gotten more intense since being self-employed, since i manage multiple clients, and often i over-book myself.
I’m still learning to delegate. I struggle with letting go of control, and i’m not even sure if it’s about perfectionism. I think it may be more to do with having issues trusting people.
I’m still learning to trust. I often assume the worst case when someone says they want to talk, or when someone is a bit late. If catastrophising is a superpower, sign me up for the Avengers.
I’m still learning to be ok with silence. I’m better at this than i was, but i still struggle with silence in conversations. When that happens, i start rambling to fill that silence. This is not always helpful.
I’m still learning to pace myself. I have two modes: procrastination or furious paddling. This, i believe, is what often triggers the stress and the snacking. It’s ok to do things slowly and deliberately.
I’m still learning media diets. I over-think my media diet like crazy, and it’s funny how the answer always comes back to “but maybe you don’t need to read or watch everything every single day”.
I’m still learning friendships. My partner is very good at keeping up with friends and arranging plans and stuff. I am not. I like to blame being busy, but i wonder if that’s an excuse for a deeper insecurity.
I’m still learning attentiveness. This seems to get better when i am not stressed, but if something’s on my mind i find it very hard to focus on the people right in front of me. It sometimes gets awkward.
I’m still learning filters. You know that thing where someone’s talking about the Arsenal game and you just randomly blurt out a random thing you saw on reddit? That’s me at dinner parties.
I’m still learning to cry. I am 10x better at this than 4 years ago, but still struggle to cry on the spot when i get bad news. It took me 10 days after my mum passed to properly let myself fall apart about it.
I’m still learning to not over-analyse. Therapy taught me about self-awareness, but it also gave me tools to over-analyse everything i do, and why i do it. Sometimes this over-complicates things.
I’m still learning to deal with authority. Not in the legal perspective, but in the accepting others’ advice perspective. A signature move is concluding by myself something others have told me 3 months ago.
I’m still learning how to pace meetings. Also significantly better at this, but i sometimes need to force myself to speak more slowly so i can speak more clearly. My default is to speak with furious pace.
I’m still learning to trust others will listen. The reason i do the above is i’m always afraid of getting interrupted, which ties back to trust. If i trust others will listen, i trust that i can speak slowly for once.
I’m still learning to say no. A modern classic for so many of us, but as a self-employed strategy consultant i now have the extra fear of “if i say no, they will never come back”. It’s an ongoing negotiation.
I’m still learning incompletionism. This is a made up word to say i can’t physically stand to have unread or un-archived emails, which makes inbox management still a significant stressor in my life.
I’m still learning to trust my gut. Especially when it comes to an over-reliance on advice from friends and influencers, before working out what is it i really would like to do about a situation.
I’m still learning about leisure. I often choose entertainment forms based on whether there’s some sort of utility to my life or job. The exception might be graphic novels, though even there… not always.
I’m still learning posture. You know that meme about someone sitting like a shrimp and then asking why they have back pain? That could have been me. It ain’t gonna get easier from now on.
I’m still learning moderation. Take food. I either do intermittent fasting, or non stop snacking. Or with work. I either want to do nothing, or i want to do everything. It’s also a daily negotiation.
I’m still learning storytelling. My job is to weave stuff into stories, but sometimes i still find myself getting lost in the rabbit holes that i forget the headline for the piece. I’m faster at spotting this though.
I’m still learning to let others go first. Spotted this just the other day, where i wish i had spoken last in a meeting in order to not influence others’ views on a brief. Also getting faster at spotting this.
I’m still learning to flow with things. You know those consultants or freelancers who happily go to the cinema on a workday, because their independence allows them to? I’m definitely not there yet.
I’m still learning time barriers. In theory, my job is no longer 9 to 5. In practice, there is something in me that turns on at 9 and starts wanting to slow down at 5. This can create unnecessary anxiety.
I’m still learning to be ok not writing. I write a lot because i like the process, but also the outcomes (attention, opportunities). But sometimes it feels like something i can’t not do, vs want to do.
I’m still learning i can’t have all the knowledge. If i had a penny for every time i tried to invent a new note taking system, i’d be rich. I’d like to find joy knowing i’ll never capture everything i’ve ever seen.
I’m still learning to love. By which i mean being ok with close people not always being exactly how you wanted them to be, and yet that being precisely why there’s value for them to be in your life.
I’m still learning goals. By which i mean, i have only just begun carving some out for me that are actually meaningful. But i’ve never been great at planning long term. That may be a hidden advantage.
I’m still learning instincts. I’ve probably missed out on business opportunities because my instincts weren’t attuned to them. This is something self-employment will continue helping me with.
I’m still learning energy management. Which is different from time management, in that it means respecting where you have your best energy, and prioritising your work to happen around that.
I’m still learning productivity. I am the classic cliche of not being able to not do something that i consider productive every day. I sometimes wish i didn’t feel guilty about having mega lazy days.
I’m still learning imperfection. Although i am 10x better at letting my work go and trusting its cracks are what add to its personality, there are still moments where i over-tinker the exact wrong thing.
I’m still learning about life narratives. In that, i increasingly believe our time here is less about master narratives and more about micro adventures which may not have a connective thread in the end.
I’m still learning to learn. Which i fundamentally believe will be the most important skill of the 21st century, and so i hope i never feel like i am an expert at it. Life would be pretty boring otherwise.