The morality of fossil fuel work
You don't need to be an activist to struggle with fossil fuel companies. Even more so when someone asks insists you work on it. But that's what happened with me in late 2023. And it broke my morale for a long while.
I spoke to Joe Cole about this. He challenged me to write about it. I never did before. Was too afraid. Maybe trying to put it behind me. But i know many of you struggle with this too. So here's how i tried to manage it.
The original ask to work on a fossil fuel client was weird. Too casual. I had explicitly asked to work on literally anything else. This wasn't possible. I went on a long internal moral debate.
Economy wasn't great. And it was this or my job was in question. I had a kid. A mortgage. I was the sole earner. It hurt to work on a client i didn't believe in. It hurt more to not provide for my family.
The other part was simpler. I realised i needed to feel heard. To see the other side. So i spoke to the leadership on the account. Good, educational conversations. Big companies need to lead change, for real changes to happen. I could buy this. But there was a problem.
One week into the business, things did change. The CEO switched priorities. Renewables were out. Profitable units were in. Not good news. The work cracks on. Who knows for how long. Keep going.
More morality nuance. Allegedly, the reason was to avoid a hostile takeover by a ruthless US company. This was never confirmed, but i could see it. Short-term move to protect the business from even greater damage. At least, it helped avoid more mental dissonance.
Other questions emerged. We had initiatives worth talking about. Real change beyond comms. Except the work never went out, not on my watch anyway. Months of discussions. All for nothing. So even the minimum good i could help do, i never really got to do.
I started wondering. Was this even good? Or was it a distraction? Was i condoning greenwashing? I don't know. But it did, and still does, leave a sour taste to have endlessly recycled conversations with little to no results to show for it. Oh, the irony in these words.
My inner morality debates gave way to morale fatigue. I stopped caring. I admit: i simply wasn't performing. I made basic mistakes. Forgot to pay attention to the politics. And, one day... redundancy.
I was thinking of leaving anyway. So i took the money. Feels like a cheap answer ("you didn't break up with me!"), but it's true. I decided to start Salmon Labs. Secured a client in a week. Boom. Officially an indie consultant. 100% in charge of my work choices. No one can ever force me to work on anything again. Feels good.
But doubt eventually crept in. Anger festered. It took me months to process all this. Like, really process. 2 months later, i lost my mum to a brain aneurysm. Literally out of nowhere. These are not related traumatic events. But, as you can guess, it didn't fucking help.
I started drowning in questions, questions, questions. Could i have done more? Should i have done more? Would i have done more? If my work wasn't good enough to stay, was i good at this at all? And if i wasn't good enough, did i even deserve nice things? Eventually, i got to a conclusion. It's good news. It took time, but: yes, i do.
But i still carried baggage. Lessons i was still learning. The anger still emerges, sometimes. I can't say i am still angry at being low key forced to work on projects i was explicitly against. I'm still angry at the emotional tornado that was 2024, and all it brought.
But i am also glad. I went through all of this, and i survived. Fuck that, i thrived. I found self-employment suits me well. How much of this a fear of commitment? Of trusting others only to inevitably be let down? It's probably a factor. But i also do this because i now get to make my own choices. It's riskier. It's also more meaningful.
And we return to the start. I joined the Clean Creatives community. I met Joe for a chat. He asked me about this story. I realised i had more to say about it than i thought. Which signalled i wasn't done with it, emotionally. Which meant i probably should write about it.
"But why?", i asked Joe. "Why should i talk about this in public?". Well, because there are others going through something similar. In the middle of the tornado. Wondering where to look. What to do. Feeling fucked over.
Look, morality isn't easy. This is how i dealt with it. It's not perfect. It's not a playbook. I'm not sure there is one. There are many stories like this. This is mine. It's real. And real can make others feel seen. Does to me, anyway.
This feels scary to write. I worry i will get nasty responses by people who were there. Not great if you're a people pleaser (✋). No names are named here, out of respect. This isn't a grudge or vendetta. I believe good people were forced to make hard decisions. If anything, i blame wider systems. But they're not immoral. They're amoral. And that's the truly hard thing.
If you're going through a similar path, i'm sorry. I honestly hope this helps. I'm afraid i can't solve you. But i can help you feel seen. And if you feel like you need that, you can always email me about it: rob@salmonlabs.co.
