It’s our job to understand sacrifice

Men need to be more comfortable talking about masculinity. Both in terms of the stuff we’d like to protect around it, and what we’d need to drop for it to evolve into something more mature and helpful.

With that as a brief, Adrian Mediavilla and i got together to talk about how we as men can do better, and shine a light on the ideas that could help others do better as well. We only scratch the surface and my hope is the below opens more interesting briefs for more interesting chats. Hope you find it useful.

Some extra reflections on top of our conversation:

  • The current state of masculinity is polarised between two main groups: those who feel threatened by changing power dynamics, and those who embrace new shared responsibilities between men and women. The secret here is not to necessarily chastise the other side, but to promote more self-awareness on who we see as being our ‘opponents’ in the discourse. At least that’s why i try and tell myself on a good day.

  • Empathy is an overblown word in strategy, but an under-discussed one in masculinity. We need to think more often that others might be right in their assessment of a situation, especially if those others are women. This doesn’t mean that we stop having critical thinking around a situation, but pick your battles. And for goodness’ sake, give victims of abuse the benefit of the doubt.

  • Intentions are ok, but what really matters in the end is the impact of those intentions. “I’m sorry if i made you feel that way” is a defensive attempt to direct responsibility towards the other person, because we had good intentions or whatever. Whenever i have arguments with my better half, we both end up using the argument that what the other person understood is not always what we meant. Well guess what, their/our perceptions are reality, therefore they also carry huge weight.

  • Men need to get better at understanding sacrifice. No one said the road to equality and equity would be trouble free, but the reality is one core attribute of ‘being a man’ is knowing that big decisions involve trade-offs, and one of the biggest decision you can have, or help others have, is to share the load of responsibility. This feels like an under-discussed narrative around Stoicism, so it should appeal more to men. If strategy is sacrifice, the same could be said about masculinity. And we should wear it with honour.

  • Someone once told me that love is a doing verb, whereby you notice things and address them. I relate to this, as my love language is acts of service, and it’s something we should reflect on. Sometimes saying “how can i help” in the context of household responsibilities, for example, is not really helping. Because you’re still adding cognitive load to the other person. Instead, a skill worth practising is noticing things and addressing them, without being asked and maybe without even expecting the other person to notice. We ought to do it because it’s right.

  • We’re proud problem solvers who can’t admit this can sometimes be a problem. Sometimes the other person doesn’t want a problem solved, they just want an emotional experience to be acknowledged. I know it sounds silly, but we all go through this. Knowing when to listen is already a huge way to help if not lift a burden, then make the burden feel more ‘liftable’.

  • Men, not just women, have a huge responsibility in helping challenge unhelpful masculine behavioural traits and model more helpful ones. Not only because there’s strength in numbers, but (and i heard this from men and women) because it makes behavioural change feel less threatening for men, and more effective.

  • In order for this discourse to evolve into a healthier state, we need to stop comparing ‘the way men are’ in opposition or comparison with ‘the way women are’. Instead, men need to be more comfortable existing and contributing to reality in a way that helps them define themselves independently, while still respecting other people’s self-definitions too. This too needs a degree of self-awareness that many of us are more focused on attaining, but we still have a good way to go. May we continue those steps.


Rob Estreitinho

Founder of Salmon Labs

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    Rob Estreitinho

    Founder & Head of Strategy.

    https://www.salmonlabs.co/
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